Thursday, 19 September 2019

I Sometimes Feel...

September is a difficult and strange month for me. It holds very sad and traumatic memories, so my mood the past few years has been odd during this month. It is often just subconscious too, just feeling more overwhelmed and less settled and almost not knowing why.

With the 4th anniversary of my mum's death rapidly approaching, I have found myself reflecting.
You see, one of the challenging aspects of grief is that when you are first thrust into it, people rally around you. They message regularly, they are extra kind and caring, you are on people's mind and you are cocooned by love and support.

But then after a few weeks, this comforting cushion slowly pulls away.

This isn't to say that you've been forgotten and people don't care anymore, but life does continue on even though yours has been shattered.

The texts decrease, the offers of company too, and you are expected by society to just get on with it.

Life does carry on, and with happiness too, but you as the griever have changed forever. It is also very likely that this alteration won't be clear to everyone. but beneath the smiles you will always still be grieving.

Today I have written and want to share everything that I now feel and am.

I want to emphasise here that I am ok, genuinely. But my life is filled with more emotions that I ever had before, and little things can affect me day to day.

As an outsider you will never truly know what someone else is feeling all of the time. But I urge you to be kind and considerate as much as you can.
Your best day could be somebodies worst, and life doesn't just go back to normal. You may still be needed.

Let's be more honest, open and kind... and I hope that this can give you some insight into the mind of a griever.

I'm fragile and I'm bruised, 
I'm not exactly the same person that you used to know.

I still feel great happiness and genuinely laugh almost every day,
I am however a little more sensitive. 

I sometimes feel envious and need to take a moment before I can share in other's happiness, 
I sometimes feel real self-pity as to what I'm missing. 

I'm angry some days, and hold resentment, 
I'm lonely some days, and feel abandoned. 

I feel strong and proud of myself for carrying on, 
I still however sometimes need that cocoon of support. 

I sometimes feel nothing, as if I have no motivation, 
I sometimes feel bursting with passion and excitement to create. 

I feel different,
I feel like a better person. 

I'm honestly good the majority of the time, 
I'm still grieving though. 

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